I have always tried to be this conceived version of myself, bits and pieces thrown together in different orders and arrangements to create a personality for specific people. I am exceptionally good at recognizing what a person expects or wants me to be, and depending on what that person wants, I can make my choices on what to tell them about myself, how to speak, how to act, things to be interested in….it’s not some false person that I act like for others, it’s just the best possible version of myself that I custom tailor to others. I just want to make everyone happy. I want everyone to think that I’m great because I am always so fucking busy hating myself.
I am, and always have been, extremely aware of other’s opinions of me. I take others’ actions too personally sometimes, and other times I have no idea how to relate to someone because I am too self-conscious of myself to actually pay attention to how to socialize. I get too wrapped up in my own mind to focus on real life situations. I feel like everyone is against me and my happiness.
It goes back to that logic I talked about in my post Terminal (Check it out if you haven’t already!). I realize with a painstakingly precision that I am fucked up. I know all my issues inside and out, after all, my disorders are a part of me. It’s just that here lately, my disorders are becoming me. I let myself get weak, let the stress overwhelm me, let myself be a doormat for way too many people. It’s like I let my mental immune system get weak and fragile, so the weight of all my disorders, the sheer force of all my enclosed pain……it made me break. Snapped right in half. I saw this happen logically and knew what was happening, but I was powerless to stop it at that point. I sunk down to rock bottom and called it home.
A hurricane can be discovered, the path of its destruction tracked, the outcome predicted, but not a single soul on the planet can stop it from happening. It can only be watched. That’s what living with ANY mental illness is like. The only thing is, I have multiple disorders that have snowballed into a giant fucking problem that has become, well, me.